Chris Rifer: Selfish Fashionista

I met Chris at the Gateway breakfast house for some artery-clogging goodness and of course, bantz.

D&C:  Chris, Thanks a ton for meeting with me today, full disclosure: until just now, I thought you were simply Michael Orr’s sock twitter account, so this should be fun. Can you tell me about you background—your journey to blogging and writing and podcasting and all that?

CR: My journey to blogging and podcasting about the Timbers is really boring. Basically, I really like writing and soccer and got a lot of help in bringing those together from all sorts of people at the Timbers Army site, Stumptown Footy, and Michael Orr with Soccer Made in Portland along the way.

In that sense, then, I’m pretty selfishly motivated when it comes to soccer blogging - I do it largely because I really enjoy it. I really enjoy the process of writing pieces and hosting the pod; I really enjoy interacting with other fans even if I sometimes (okay, often) do so with a little bit of snark on Twitter; and I really enjoy getting to have a little bit of interaction with the coaches, players, and front-office personnel. I learn a ton from all of it and all of it is a blast.

When I stared doing this stuff in a more formal way at the start of 2013, I was surprised at how much cynicism I saw among some members of the media. Being obsessed with sports throughout my lifetime, I just didn’t get it - how could going to and writing about soccer games for a living be anything but ridiculously awesome? Over the last couple years I’ve become more sympathetic; although there are certainly the obvious great aspects of sports journalism, there is also sort of the inside-baseball reality of deadlines, lots of travel, not a ton of pay, and many, many evenings and weekends at work. And on top of that, sports journalists expected to fill x-number of column inches on a subject that sometimes has much more and sometimes much less than that to write about. But I’m blessed as a blogger because I get to eat my cake and have it, too. I can write what I want to write and when I want to write it. So while I’m sympathetic of some of the difficulties in more traditional sports journalism, I’m not really empathetic. And that’s the beauty of being sort of selfishly motivated in this - the second I find myself dreading going to a Timbers game (which I don’t expect to happen anytime soon), I can pack my things, ditch the press box, grab a beer, and head back to the North End.

That was long - but that’s probably not much of a surprise.

D&C: Well, you’re always welcome in the North End as far as I’m concerned. Most people probably don’t know this, but I can use Google. What role can the Portland Timbers play in Oregon’s environmental sustainability?

CR: You know those pregame projected lineups? Yeah, those are useless. Stop printing those.

D&C: The question on everyone’s mind: How would you like to respond to Mike Donovan’s comments about you from our previous interview?

CR: Well, now that Mike has joined up with the Timbers I heard he's in charge of coordinating belly rubs for media who unquestioningly write positive stories about the team and, specifically, Gavin Wilkinson. So I guess my response is that Mike is one of the hardest working, most insightful, and funniest dudes I've ever met. I mean, next to Gavin, obviously.

D&C: Very Frank Underwood-esque. Always be playing the game. I’m with you. What’s your go-to fast food if you eat any fast food?

CR: My favorite (former) food cart is Cubo de Cuba. Now they have a brick-and-mortar over on Hawthorne. Give it a go if you haven’t. Oh, that’s not what you meant by fast food? Whatevs.

D&C: Not what I meant, no, but I’ll give it a go. Do you prefer a bearded or clean-shaven Caleb Porter?

CR: Clean-shaven. In a city blanketed by a thick fog of beards and passive-aggression, clean-shaven Caleb is a breath of fresh air in both respects.

D&C: What does Caleb Porter smell like?

CR: You just asked me that - fresh air in a city of beards and passive-aggression. You want to ask me again?

Ask me again.

D&C: I’ll pass, thanks. If Liam Ridgewell asked you to design a pair of Thomas Royall swim trunks, what would yours looks like?

CR: I have the perfect design. They would be forest green, with a small, upside-down triangle of moss green on the waistband where the drawstring gets tied. Then it would have a two-tone chevron (white with a thick moss-green panel in the middle) starting at the bottom cuff on the side of the trunks with the peak of the chevron just above the crotch.

Oh, hey, don’t print that. I don’t want somebody to steal my idea.

D&C: I’m definitely printing that. It sounds too awful not to. Surely no one in their right mind would actually market and sell something that deplorable.

If you remember, we talked with Jamie Goldberg a while back about her college cafeteria. Do you have a college cafeteria story to share?

CR: Actually, I do. My junior year in college a couple classmates of mine got into an argument in the cafeteria about school politics. As debates do when the participants are both whippersnappers, the argument eventually turned personal. One of my classmates reached for her glass that formerly held water. It was empty, though, so she stood up, walked all the way across the cafeteria to the juice machine, filled it with orange juice, and came back and threw the orange juice on the young woman she’d been arguing with. The premeditation and execution that went into it was stunning.

D&C: I don’t even know what to say. I feel like she could have just raised a fist in the air and walked away. That must have felt incredible.

What scarf of the month did you vote for and why?

CR: I was under the impression we were going to avoid politics in this interview.

D&C: Touché.

Camden's Ketchup or Portland Ketchup company?

CR: I never thought I’d say this, but give me the spicy fry sauce from Boise Fry Company a block from Providence Park. I’m not much of a fry-sauce guy, but that stuff isn’t fooling around.

Oh, and it’s not that I didn’t answer your question there. I made your question better.

D&C: I’ll reserve judgement until I've been there. It’s difficult to make it past Uno Mas and still be hungry. Those tacos are insane.

Hoppy or Malty?

CR: Hoppy. I love all finely crafted beers, but IPAs are the best. Suck on that, Donovan. In the spirit of maltocrat and hopublican bipartisanship, however, I will note I’m drinking a really good black IPA right now, a Night Time Ale from Lagunitas.

D&C: Dran would love you for that. He loves CDA’s and the like. Also, I won’t judge you for drinking a beer for breakfast OR for drinking a non-Oregonian beer. It’s none of business how you choose to spend your Soccer Made in Portland bucks.

#OlivesIN or #OlivesOUT?

CR: Now even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us -- the spin masters, the negative olive peddlers who embrace the olivetics of "anything goes." Well, I say to them tonight, there is not an #OlivesIN America and an #OlivesOUT America -- there is the United States of America. There is not a Calamata America and a Spanish Manzanilla America and Halkidiki America and Taggiasca America -- there’s the United States of America.

D&C: *sheds tear* I…I…That was beautiful. *blows nose loudly*

Where do you think Diego Chara will finish 2015 on the fouls committed list?

CR: First, but I only say that to make up with Donovan for my enthusiastic endorsement of IPAs.

D&C: Where do you think Darlington Nagbe will finish 2015 on the fouls sustained list?

CR: First. Amarikwa was a fluke last year. Everybody knows Nagbe is the true king of hack.

D&C: So True. Top 3 modern Timbers, Top 3 All-time Timbers?

CR: By modern, I assume you mean the MLS era. In all-time, I’ll give you a pick from each of the three major eras.

Modern: 1) Diego Valeri, 2) Diego Chara, 3) Donovan Ricketts.

All-time: 1) Peter Withe, 2) Diego Valeri, 3) Ryan Pore.

D&C: Most Mind-blowing transfer you heard about which never actually happened?

CR: I don’t usually hear too much about the things that don’t happen - the internet sleuths tend to be ahead of me on those things. But I know Joey Barton is a big fan of the Timbers, so for the sake of making things up, I’ll say Joey Barton.*

*Not intended to be a factual statement.

D&C: Thanks again for having some biscuits and gravy with me today. What are you doing right now you'd like our readers to know about?

CR: I think it’s going to be a really fun season. It’s a little bit of a quiet time right now, as I think there’s only so much useful you can pull out of the preseason friendlies. We’re geting a better picture of things in the Simple Tournament, and accordingly things look like they’ll be ramping up on both the blogging and podcast ends pretty soon here. I have a couple stories in the hopper for between now and the beginning of the season, but I think like most folks out there, I’m wringing my hands waiting for the soccer to start for real.*

*Maybe

Follow @ChrisRifer on twitter and over at @StumptownFooty